LOOK.
I have been very patient. I like to think it’s a virtue of mine. When I played Breath of the Wild, I was enchanted. It was a revelation. Open-world design that offers just enough guidance and goals to keep you from feeling lost. No Ubisoft checklists, no Minecraft “do anything” aimlessness. It’s also gorgeous, has a great loop, a fantastic world… I could go on and on. If it didn’t click for you, I respect that. But I think it’s the best game Nintendo’s ever made.
It was such a great experience that I was so excited to start a second playthrough. Fortunately for me, Master Mode was there when I wrapped up, ready to give me a different perspective on the game. After a short break, I started a Master Mode playthrough.
It’s cool in hard modes of games when new challenges are presented by way of difficulty. Harder enemies mean parts of the fight you could ignore before are now huge problems. Tools you didn’t bother with are now your only chance.
But immortal enemies isn’t on my fucking list, Nintendo.
See, in Master Mode, enemies regenerate health if left alone for a beat. And most weapon combos end by knocking an enemy away. So early in the game, you land a combo, knock them away… and by the time you close the distance to strike again, they’ve regenerated all the damage you did. I bet this problem solves itself after a dozen hours or something, when you get better gear. Maybe longer. I wouldn’t know, because you have to play the game to get that far.
So I tabled my replay. Hopefully they would fix this stupid feature when they added more DLC. …No. They didn’t. I left it alone for a while- I was busy with other games, and with all the stuff I play for coverage, it felt irresponsible to dump a ton of hours into a game I’d already beaten unless I was really excited.
Time passed, and Nintendo announced a sequel: The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom. Immediately, I was suspicious. These trailers have an awful lot of vehicle stuff in them, when a huge part of Breath of the Wild’s magic was how alone and small you felt. But hey, I’m probably overreacting, I’m probably being too protective of one of my favorite games. Let’s just wait til it comes out.
Oh, cool! It’s fucking Banjo & Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts 2! Because that’s definitely what I was looking for in the sequel to a game about loneliness and the majesty of nature. What are we doing here?! At least the vehicles are squirrely, run out of power in a heartbeat, and are constantly flummoxed by basic level geometry. Cool. Oh, and while we’re at it, let’s make the map a goddamn funfetti cake of collectibles and micro-objectives. Signs to build everywhere, shrines, Sage Essence or whatever the hell, Zonaite for upgrades, and of course the delightful Koroks are back, but half the time they ask you to build a Cessna 172 because god forbid we play Zelda in this Zelda game, it’s all about LEGO Mindstorms now.
Despite all that, it’s still a pretty good game! Wanna know why? Because underneath all the shit they piled in top, it’s still got Breath of the Wild in there, and on the rare occasion you get to touch that core, it’s still great! Breath of the Wild plus stupid trash is still better than 99% of games. But Tears of the Kingdom doesn’t scratch the itch.
Ok, if the sequel can’t deliver, we remix the original. I got into emulators. Funny thing- one of the most basic settings on an emulator for Breath of the Wild is “turn off Master Mode health regeneration,” because everybody but Nintendo knows it’s trash. I modded the game while I was at it, adding quality of life changes and a few fun little bonuses.
The perfect solution! …Not really. The emulation was a bit unstable, it didn’t play as nice with my Steam Deck as I’d like, and it froze if you put the Deck to sleep. I had a great time and some wonderful experiences, but it wasn’t going to work long term.
Finally, Nintendo stepped up with a real solution. A Switch 2 port of Breath of the Wild. Better resolution, better framerate. The bare minimum for a port, but it was enough. I could have my replay. I’d just have to skip the still not fixed Master Mode.
NOPE. WE’RE GONNA FUCK THIS UP TOO!
A game famous for taking the checklists out of the open world genre? Better put some literal checklists into it! A game about exploring and getting lost? Let’s add a talking turn-by-turn GPS! And hey, remember Second Screen Experiences? That Xbox One era dipshit feature about using your phone for minigames that everyone hated? Oh, you know we gotta have that!
And I was patient. I heard all this out-and-out bullshit, and I tolerated it. “I might be able to just ignore that stuff,” I thought. Then came today. And they announced they’re adding a daily login roulette wheel like it’s Granblue Fantasy so you can win random prizes.
WHY?!??!?!??
Nintendo. I don’t understand how this is so hard for you. Just emulate it! Who even cares! I would love improvements, but your idea of “improvements” is making it a fucking live service game, so just stop. Just stop this. How are you so determined to take a dump on the best thing you’ve made in decades?
I guess I should just try that emulator again, huh? I’m so tired.
