I hate coffee.
I tried not to hate coffee, once. I had it with cream, then with cream and sugar, then with caramel creamer. Back when I used to smoke occasionally, I tried coffee and cigarettes, a classic of noir at the very least. The mystique and culture surrounding dark bean juice was so romantic: a dark, acidic, sharp flavor that cuts through the fog of your mind, leaving you both awake and Woke AF. Comparatively, the cult of Coca-Cola lacks the glamour and atmosphere- it’s just jackasses slamming cans of bubbly brown water. Our idea of High Culture is Dr. Pepper barbecue sauce and soda-flavored Icees: we’re hopeless.
My efforts to discover the True Path towards coffee enjoyment were varied, but they never did include Dunkin Donuts coffee, a liquid that I am told by reliable sources America Runs On. So as I sit before you today, writing this review, this is the first time I’ve ever had Dunkin Donuts coffee. Two beverages were procured- a S’mores Frozen Dunkin’ Coffee, and an Iced Macchiato. They were… interesting. The S’mores experience tasted like a bowl of Lucky Charms lightly doused with coffee instead of milk. At first, I found it the more palatable- it’s weird drinking breakfast cereal, but eh. In time, however, the sheer sweetness of the drink overcame me, and I avoided so much as looking at it. The Macchiato was a more authentic coffee experience- I took a sip, winced, and said “no thank you.”
This may seem a fairly pedestrian story, but no doubt you’ve seen the title of this article, and you know we aren’t done here yet. I tossed out the S’mores, but the Macchiato came home with me, and I set it on the desk, and pried off the lid. Then I dunked a Dunkin’ Donuts Mocha Oreo into it.
Let’s back up. Yes, there are Dunkin’ Donuts Mocha Oreos- chocolate cookies imprisoning mocha creme. Eating them on their own was a disappointing experience- the mocha creme is simply too weak. The coffee flavor is subtle, and Oreo does not have patience for subtlety. The faint flavor of pretend bean juice gets trampled by the loud presence of chocolate cookie, and the result isn’t disgusting, or amazing, or funny, it’s just… lame. A cookie divided against itself cannot stand.
But there is a clue on the package of these Oreos. For one, the Oreo slogan of “Milk’s Favorite Cookie” is missing- there is no such claim on this package. And for another, the tiny cookie is overshadowed by a towering, imposing Dunkin’ Donuts iced coffee. Oreo was trying to tell me something, and the message couldn’t be clearer. I arranged an outing to Dunkin’ Donuts.
Okay, jump back to where we left off- I have submerged (or “dunked”) a Dunkin’ Donuts Mocha Oreo in a Dunkin Donuts Iced Macchiato and am going for a taste. As expected, the texture has changed- it’s still crunchy, but the moisture makes for a more interesting mix as it breaks down in your mouth. That’s classic milk and Oreos. But the taste…
This actually works? Like, hey. I’ll be real, that stuff about “Oreo was trying to tell me something” was a goof. I did this because it was funny and going to be awful. And it… isn’t. The cookie doesn’t absorb very much of the iced coffee, but the little bit that it does increases the coffee taste enough to make it stand up against the chocolate as an equal. What’s more, it makes the coffee taste more authentic- after all, it’s not just Mocha Flavoring, there is real espresso on this cookie now.
I dunno what to do now. I sit here, with this package of Oreos, and this quickly melting Iced Macchiato. How did we get here? Well, literally speaking, I know how we got here- my sister Emily drove me to the Dunkin’ Donuts and back before the beverages were able to completely melt, and even footed the bill on this crucial bit of science- but I set out to make a terrible thing and failed? I am puzzled.
These Oreos are not worth eating on their own. They’re boring. They are not flavorful. But if you have a mug of coffee to dunk them in I guess you should pick these up? Or something? Fuckin… four stars out of five, or whatever. I don’t know. I need to be alone with my thoughts for a while.