When Colin pitched Snackline Media to me, I always knew he had an ulterior motive, and my suspicions were answered within mere seconds after agreeing to the idea: “You have to try Amp Energy! For the site, of course.” How could I say no? I’ve always dreamed of filling my body with as many toxic, cancerous chemicals as possible, and consuming an energy drink would be the fastest way to achieve that dream (other than swallowing a pack of cigarettes or rolling in the waste from a nuclear power plant)!
The Amp I carefully selected was “BOOST,” one of the three pillars of Amp’s teachings. I was likely risking my soul by leaving out the ritual “ACTIVE” and “FOCUS” beverages, but I discarded the Amp General’s Warning like the reckless youth I am and dove straight into my $2.25 canister of poison.
My throat was immediately awash in what I could only assume to be motor oil, and when I tore my lips from the accursed container, the sickly-green color of the mixture only added to my nausea. It trickled down my oral cavity, gave my stomach and kidneys a solid blow, and settled in one of my organs. My insides were coated with thick swamp water, rooting me to my faithful writing chair.
I know what you’re thinking, since it’s the only question you brigands ever seem to ask when it comes to energy drinks. “Did it work?” Sure. Whatever spirit I inhaled has now possessed my accursed frame, filling it with a desire to jump into the heavens. Perhaps it seeks whatever Scooby Doo monster poured its ectoplasm into this canister! But whatever its motive, I don’t intend to fulfill it by drinking from Nessie’s kiddie pool again. I’ll likely take a leave of absence while the Ghostbusters exorcise whatever lurks in my mortal shell, but until then…
THE RATING: NOPE.