Goddamn Mondays Tuesdays: 6/19

Welcome back to Goddamn Mondays with Dark Souls! Let’s get back to where we were- being terrorized by a dragon. Again.

I survive the dragon. He gives me a little fire to remember him by, but then he flies to the end of that very long bridge, and takes up a roost. I cross the bridge halfway, and take some stairs down under the bridge. Fight my way past a few more hollow soldiers, and a couple of rats. Irritatingly, the rats manage to poison me, so my life bar is ticking away… but the next enemy I encounter is a powerful knight demon thing that guts me, so I guess I have bigger worries.

Start again alllll the way back at the bonfire. Just tell me that minotaur stays dead… I fight my way back there, and yes. It does. “Praise the Sun,” as they say here in Dark Souls.

Alright, let’s try a different path. This time, take the bridge all the way to the end. Hey, a random corpse has a claymore on it! Nice, new sword. Now this dragon… hmm. Well, he looks happy enough, maybe if I step forward he’ll just-

Foom. The conversion from living and breathing into a pile of ash is nearly instant. Back to the bonfire. Step forward, immediately fall to my death. Back to the bonfire. Get back to the bridge (lots of slaying inbetween here and there), take a moment to explore. There’s a guy here, staring at the horizon. Says his name is Solaire? You must be pretty environmentally friendly ahahahaha I’m really sorry, don’t kill me, I’ll leave now.


Alright, fight my way forward, few hollows, and those damn rats. This time I’m not playing around with them. They get the firebomb. Walk forward some more, and hey! Location change. I’m now in the “Undead Parish.” Progress! Standing in my way, however, is a nightmare.

I guess it’s a demon boar? It is about as big as a car, it is made of some kind of dark grey metal, and it has tusks and glowing eyes and it looks real pissed. And I really don’t want to fuck with him. I cut down a few Hollow Soldiers, and head up the stairs to the side, bypassing the monster-pig. Unfortunately, the stairs don’t get me anywhere- just to a walkway that leads directly over the nightmare boar. No doors or anything up here.

Well, maybe it’s time to spend some resources. I hurl a firebomb at the boar, and land a direct hit. And he… gives zero fucks about my little bomb. Hmmm. Maybe if I- shit, I slipped off the walkway! Run run run run run! I duck through a narrow archway, and the boar can’t fit through it to follow. Thank god. Confirmed- he does not just look pissed, he is pissed. I have these items that say they lure monsters, maybe if I throw one… yep, he runs to it. So now he’s right underneath the walkway. Let’s try a falling attack, that worked wonders on the Taurus Demon.


No kidding. Killed him in one hit. Okay. I can get used to this. A little exploring, I find a “Mysterious Key,” and a swift death at the blade of a rapier-wielding knight. I fight my way back there, he kicks my ass again, and I decide that I should maybe try another path.

So, before I actually get anywhere on the new path, I have a handful of stupid deaths- shot in the back by arrows, fell off a bridge to my doom, more hot rapier action. So let’s skim over that. Now I’m standing in front of a large church. There’s a gate behind me, which I open- it’s a shortcut for next time. I won’t have to run and fight as far. That minor task taken care of, I step into the house of god, and freeze. Two rapier-wielding bastards. I’ve never beaten them one on one before. I take a breath. I can do this.

I switch to my spear, and lure one of them out. I poke at him, he blocks. He pokes at me, I block. Back, forth, back, forth, then I catch him with his shield down and just go to town. He’s dead in seconds. I lure the second one out, and take him down in no time. With that done… I enter the church again. But, you know. This time for real, or something.


I walk through the hallowed halls with reverence, marching toward the front. I stop as I reach the sanctuary. Standing directly in front of the altar is a massive armored figure, the metal encasing him a dull black, and the mace in his hands certain death. Gulp. I make sure my health is topped off, and I step forward.

The knight does not react, but chanting overhead informs me of some very bad news– there is a spellcaster on a balcony giving him covering fire. My only hope is to kite this sumbitch away from the wizard. I hold my sprint and dash forward, running right in front of the knight, and he starts to give chase. Quickly, I duck out the right side… into a pair of Hollow Soldiers. Fuck! I sprint past them as arrows whizz over my ears, and turn down a narrow walkway. As fond as I am of Dark Souls’ soundtrack, in this moment perhaps Yakety Sax would be more appropriate. After a good three seconds of sprinting in that direction, I run into a rapier knight. FUCK. I take another right, and run down the hallway… and end up out in front of the church again.

I pause, but the angry mob is right on my heels, and none of them is separated from the pack enough that I could take them out without being swarmed. There is nothing else for it. I bolt back into the church again. As I run through the sanctuary again, a fireball splashes behind me- the wizard taking a potshot. I’ve been using my sprint in a metered fashion, trying to conserve it so I don’t run out… but I finally have. I duck out the right side, and turn, steeling myself. If I fall, I will take a few of these bastards with me. If I fall, it will be with a sword in my hand and a song in my heart. If I fall, I will make sure that these bastards REMEMBER MY NAME-

Ow, not the arrows, oh god, oh god… dead. WHELP. Yeah, I guess I’m done for now.

Join us next week when I play… something? I dunno, man. Any certainty I had died when I turned Dark Souls into the Benny Hill Show.