Goddamn Mondays: 4/15

Welcome to Goddamn Mondays, where I open up the dark recesses of my backlog, and play games I’ve had lying around for years. This week, we’re playing the Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker. Yes, the original Gamecube one. No, I haven’t played it. Well. I hadn’t, before this. I tell you what, I hope that the games I end up playing every week are as enjoyable as this’n.

I don’t have a Gamecube anymore– friend of mine, theirs broke, and it was the only console they had, so I gave them mine– so we’ll be playing on the Wii. Mine’s one of the old backwards compatible ones, so, awesome. Boot it up… and I’m fired up. Let’s do this.

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I am gonna press start so hard right now.


Or… not. Memory card full. Hrm. Well, that’s a momentum killer. Let’s go find another memory card.

Ten minutes later….

Right. Now I remember why I hated memory cards. Regardless, found a near-empty Gamecube memory card. Name? Well, it’s me, so “Six.” Dat’s how we roll. And off we go! Intro cutscene playing… it’s just still art and text. Little music. No voicework. I feel like I should be annoyed with this, but it’s kind of soothing, actually. It IS pretty grim, though, huh? “Link saved the land, but it was only delaying the inevitable and the moment he looked away everyone died.” Harsh.

And now we’re in engine! Jeeeeez. Are my glasses dirty, or is it really that jaggy and blurry. (Grabs a tissue, polishes his glasses) Hmmm. Well, little from column A, little from column B. Still, I adore these vibrant colors. And the character models! I mean, I played Phantom Hourglass and Spirit Tracks, and those both looked great, but the DS imitation of this art style isn’t half as good as the original.

So, it’s my birthday, and I’m supposed to go see my grandma. Guessin’ Link has a better relationship with his than I do mine, cause that would be a form of punishment for me. We’re in control! Let’s run around. Normally, I’m the “play straight through the tutorial” kinda guy, but this world is so inviting and fresh, I can’t not look around.

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Hey, that’s a lobster on his shirt! Just noticed that.


I can’t tilt the camera up or down. BOOOOOO. Oh well, I’ll get over it. At least I have some camera control (looking at you, Ocarina). Oh, hey, a pig! Hey dude. …He ran away! Is that a challenge? Are you challenging me, little beast? Immagetcha!

This pig is surprisingly agile. Doesn’t help that I keep rolling instead of grabbing him. Stand still you little– HA! Got him. Alright. I’m the best. He doesn’t seem too bothered by me holding him over my head, actually. I would have thought he’d be all freakin’ out, but he’s just chillin’. Well, I guess I’ll leave him alone then. You’re alright, pig.

Let’s wander over here. This kid wants to know if it’s true that you can jump from rock to rock across this little stream if you get a running start. Kid. Hold my jacket. It’s about tah get real. This hero don’t run from any of your challenges. Rocks bested. Kid probably staring at me with wonder in his eyes, but I got places to be. Let’s bounce.

Alright, enough screwing around. Let’s go see what my grandma wants. She wants me to put some clothes. Birthday clothes? The classic Link outfit. I mean, I guess that’s what people do around here on their birthday… so okay. Why not.

Guys. gaiz. im a hero.

Alright! Now just to go get my sister. She’s probably still back at that little lookout tower from where I started… oh god oh god this kid is chasing me and he has snot hanging out of his nose and it’s so big get away get away get away

windwakersnotkid

TOO. CLOSE.


Found my sister. Oooo, present time! She’s giving me her prized telescope! Only for a day? That’s kinda weak, but it’s a classy telescope, so I guess it’s solid. Seagull decals. Very swank. Let’s take a look around!

Oh shit! There’s a huge bird carrying… looks like Tetra. (See, cause I played Phantom Hourglass, so I know her.) And then the bird drops her. Wow. From that height, head first? Broken neck. No doubt about it. Very sad. Alright, let’s go to my birthday party now.

Wait, sis is upset. She wants me to go after the girl? She’s dead, sis. She got dropped like fifty feet. I don’t see why– wait, now you don’t want me to go because you’re worried I can’t handle that big bird if it attacks? …Is that a challenge? I’LL DO IT.

Time to go find a sword. See a guy crouching in some weeds, ask him what’s up. He sees this wild black pig, wants it as a pet. Yeah, okay. I’m a hero, buddy. I’ll help you out. Sneak up, grab that pig, no fuss. Here’s your pig, man. …How come you won’t talk to me now that I’m holding the pig? You just asked me to… oh, forget it. I’m outta here. This pig is whatever.

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“You see this? YOU COULDA HAD THIS.”


Get a sword from a crazy old man, learn how to use it, now I’m off to the forest! Climb the hill, now there’s a big bridge… oh, and the music stopped. It’s just… the sound of footsteps, and the wind. Gotta admit. A mite concerned.

Guess that was just a transition. In the forest now, things are okay. Girl is stuck on a tree, looks a lot less dead than physics would suggest is possible. This is what heroes do. No biggie. Let’s roll.

Okay. Goblin in my path. Actually, Zelda calls them Moblins or something, if I recall correctly. Well. Let’s be in-character here. I’ll play it cool for now, but if he twitches at me, Moblin filet.

Spoiler: Moblin filet. And then two more Moblins freakin’ HALO jump down in front of me. Cut em down, no big deal, I’m the fuckin’ best. Okay. Let’s go rescue that girl!

Oh. The girl got herself down. And then someone else comes to help her. Her subordinate, apparently. She’s got minions! Feeling… kinda unnecessary here. Alright, well, let’s leave, I guess. Step out of the forest… cutscene. My sister is there, waving. Oh shit. I have enough gamer sense to know that she’s gonna get shot or stabbed or…

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Birds. I hate em.


Or grabbed by a bird! Yep. Grabbed by a bird. Chase after the bird, almost fall off a ledge, Tetra grabs me. “She’s gone!” she shouts. “There’s nothing you can do!”

Nothing I can do? Is. Is that… a challenge? ADVENTURE TIME!

 Alright, well that’s it for this week. I had a lot of fun with Wind Waker, and it’s really gorgeous, so I’ll be sticking with it. Next week, however, I’ll have a different backlogged game for you. Maybe something on the SNES? No promises. We’ll see. Til next time!

2 Comments

  1. If my sister is kidnapped, that’s bad. Sure. But heaven forbid that anyone suggest that I, a young untrained village boy, am unqualified to mount the rescue mission. THAT will not stand.

    • Untrained? Nah, man. That session with the sword guy was like three minutes. I’m already a pro.

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